could have, should have

As I finished typing out the last article of my one-month internship, I couldn’t help looking back at the futility of the rash decision that I had made four weeks ago:

Four of my friends, coaxing and motivating, huddled over me as I sat in that dimly lit room in college, weeping inconsolably. Reason? Failure. Failure of living up to my own expectations. I was afraid, afraid of the success of my classmates and the lack of my own. In plain words, I needed work. I didn’t want my resume to look as blank as the inside of my head. I was afraid that I’d be obliterated into a void, sucked into an ocean of nothingness. This monster of a fear urged me to apply to random internship programs that crossed my way. I finally got one- it was for a leading aggregator of hotel rooms that needed you to write reviews on their hotels across the country. 

Today, a month after deciding to accept that internship, I can’t help regretting and moaning those two hours daily (for a month) that I spent writing flowery lines on hotels that meant nothing to me, that I’ve never set my eyes on. In other words, two hours a month of writing paragraphs of lies. Because I was desperate for an embellishment on my CV, I didn’t think twice before agreeing to spend hours on something I didn’t care tuppence about. This loss of time has left me at a loss for words.

Those moments could’ve have been seized, you know. I could’ve done something worthwhile, like writing poetry or trying to get my grip back on fiction. There was so much I could have done.

I should have known better. Really, I should have.

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26 thoughts on “could have, should have

  1. Hey, don’t get bogged down by failure. You have known that you could write about hotel reviews as well. That’s added in your left pocket of your jeans. Now coming to how you’ve wasted your time. You’ve invested time in it, take it that way. Don’t worry, for now you know what your niche is in. And I know you can pull off any skill in a few weeks. All you need is to tweak that feeling again. That clenches your toes and keeps you on your feet. And you’ve always been an inspiration to my Scribbled Writings. We all make mistakes and that’s how we learn. Either you succeed or become wise.
    Rest assured you’ll be loved by your readers. (Me being on top of the list).

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I can feel the self-loathing in this. It’s heartbreaking. It’s also heartbreaking that we feel we have to sell ourselves short in order to get ahead. Like we have to sacrifice ourselves in order to reach the places we want to be. I can both sympathise and empathise. The world is contradictory. We’re always told to be who we are, be true to ourselves, but then simultaneously told to be something else because that’s how you get ahead in the world of work. It’s headache inducing stuff. I hope it all works out well for you in the end

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Don’t fret! Mistakes are not missed opportunities. You might have just stretched your writing muscle by writing flowery prose 😉
    I am sure you would soon be churning out words that come from your heart. Good luck for your future ventures!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hey there, have you wasted your time writing? No. But you are feeling miserable because you probably felt that you were cheating people into believing that something you wrote may or may not be true. But the onus isn’t on you. The company has to edit what they can offer and what they cannot – you have given them your best. And I bet you have learnt a few different things being there and met new people. Look at the bright side, smile and go have some fun.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. But now you “own” that experience. You know what it feels like to go at something totally meaningless to you for an allotted amount of time. Time, of course, when you could be doing something else. You have described the feeling quite well. You have created a narrative, one that may come in handy some day when you are writing a novel. A novel about a young woman who gets caught up in what appears to be a meaningless activity…writing hotel reviews. Voila’ I like that character already. 🙂

    Maybe nothing has been wasted after all.
    Great blog. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. My entire life could be titled the name of your post.I tend to waste so much time on things that matter so less but over the years I have realized that you learn something from each little thing that you do however futile it may seem.All the best for your future endeavours!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. If you learn something from the experience, then it is never a waste of time. Sometimes doing things you hate help propel you forward. Fear and lack of confidence are common attributes when we are first starting out in the world. I would be grateful for the opportunity to learn something about yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

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